I am feeling a little stressed. Each month I have to compile my personal stats. These are looking good for what I get monitored on; collecting money, not repossessing people we don’t need to, not repossessing the wrong houses, and not swearing like a monkey at the customers.
I also have to compile my team’s stats each month which are the same as my stats but collectively with six others. When I do speak to our customers, my letters, telephone conversations and decisions are read, listened to, reviewed and assessed to see if I am competent and showing my ten years of experience.
I have to update on a monthly basis my Annual Vision. My Annual Vision is my own devised masterplan of where I want to be, what I can achieve throughout the year. It sets out checkpoints which can be summoned at a minute’s notice to illustrate my march to über career fulfilment.
I also have to complete my Customer’s Charter and Pledge. This Pledge is also an annual commitment which needs to be monitored on a monthly basis. It requires me to show a commitment to visibly benefiting our customers which I can demonstrate and back up with hard, ice cold, indisputable data. Oh and it needs to be uniquely my idea.
There is also my own monthly Targets and Aspirations. These are projects, commitments, professional attitudes I demonstrable which illustrate how I am merged into the Company’s own values, goals and morals. These are not allowed to be subjective, despite the fact that they are. I also need to have data, lovely data to back this up – whether there is any or not.
Finally I also have to submit urine, semen, blood, saliva and nasal hairs to Dr Quackford’s ‘Driving Me Insane With Company Rubbish’ Clinic. I don’t expect to pass the last one.
Whilst cheerfully and somewhat manically preparing and presenting all of the above in my monthly Review Meetings (I obviously have these as well), I must get on with my paid employment in the two nano seconds which I have been generously left.
As I said I feel a little stressed.