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Home Alone

by: The Insider
  • 02/02/2011
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Home Alone
One particular case which has been vexing our collective brains has been that of Miss McCavity.

Miss McCavity has been living in the top room of her house for 8 years – like a sort of middle aged Anne Frank but without the Nazis at the door.

She has extreme agrophobia, depression and a long list of mental ailments which read like a hypochondriac’s wish list.

She hasn’t been out of her house since we all thought Tony Blair was great. She also hasn’t been paying her mortgage. Being a recluse doesn’t offer a good income unless you start charging for visits. Previous evictions have been cancelled mainly because we didn’t want to cause some sort of Jacobean tragedy. Her brother looks after her, visiting her, brushing her hair and trying to get some kind of resolution to the whole affair.

We managed to get a very nice lady at the local Social Services to take on her case. They were very keen to try and rehouse Miss McCavity in some appropriate dwelling. Unfortunately Miss McCavity’s house is also affected by subsidence from the local chalk pits. Also, in the words of our surveyor the house is ‘riddled like a wormy apple’ with asbestos. Not really the sort of property we would fancy selling. Just after the credit crunch. With house prices flatter than Jeremy Clarkson’s pet hedgehog.

Unfortunately that doesn’t solve the problem of Miss McCavity hiding in the attic and not paying anything towards her account or the £20,000.00 worth of arrears she has accumulated.

The very nice lady at Social services also decided that they wouldn’t be able to rehouse Miss McCavity after all. She wanted us to agree to a lodger moving in (thats fine, nice one) paying us (great, super) less than a quarter of the mortgage monthly instalment (oh urm, hang on a minute).

She also said they would be making an application at the local Court to get us to agree to this. The DWP also said they had carefully worked out their Byzantine calculations and would now pay us about £50.00 a month.

Hmmmm, so we can’t really repossess it; the house is worthless, we’re not going to get payments to clear any of the monies outstanding and even if we wanted to repossess it, we’d probably need a big butterfly net to catch Miss McCavity.

I’m referring this one onto the directors. Miss McCavity is saying nothing.

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