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DIFF podcast: As a working mum you must set boundaries at work – Tucker

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  • 08/08/2022
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Mothers returning to work after giving birth need to create boundaries around what they need at the workplace and at home.

 

Specially hosted by Danielle Moore, operations director at AE3 Media, Sarah Tucker, founder of The Mortgage Mum spoke on the Diversity and Inclusivity Finance Forum (DIFF) podcast, about returning mums having to learn to look after themselves. 

She said balancing work and home life was about deciding what to let go of based on what was best for her and not what she wanted to do. Tucker said working that out “is a lifelong journey”. 

Esther Dijkstra, managing director, intermediaries at Lloyd Banking Group said when she returned to work in a promoted role after having her second child, she was naive about what she was capable of. 

She said: “Just the sheer volume of responsibilities. Things you have to think about; the lack of sleep, the pressure you probably put on yourself, perhaps not always matching with the expectation of other people.” 

Dijkstra said she also did not want to just be seen as a mum as she felt her job defined her as a person, but her colleagues seemed to perceive her differently when she returned. 

She said some people asked if she had come back on a part-time basis, which made her feel as though they were “lowering their expectations” of her. 

“I didn’t like that, because it made me want to prove myself even more that I could do a career and a new role and almost the mum bit didn’t matter,” she added. 

Not only was Dijkstra figuring out how to fit her work life around her personal life, but she was also physically recovering from giving birth. The HR department at work eventually told her to take time off. 

Working both in a corporate setting and being self-employed, Tucker said she had a similar experience. With her first child, the date she was returning to work had already been agreed on before she had given birth. 

She said she underestimated the changes she would go through as a mother, including when she’d be ready to go to work. 

It was this experience which led her to create The Mortgage Mum. 

“There’s constantly things to do at home and at work. You have to be clear on who you want to be, how you want to show up for your children, how you want to show up for yourself… create your own life,” Tucker added. 

Dijkstra agreed, saying she had to set boundaries which could be difficult as corporate firms only set the boundaries of the business. 

She added: “Therefore, you have to determine for yourself what you want to be, when you want to be home… and that’s quite difficult if the expectation is that you have to be there.” 

Dijkstra said telling her managers and PAs that she didn’t want to attend meetings at certain times was not always met with support. 

“I really had to put my foot down and that was difficult because you have to have that confidence that it’s not impacting your career,” she added. 

She said she was always weighing up when she should put boundaries in place.
 

Mum guilt 

Dijkstra spoke about feeling the of ‘mum guilt’ where she was torn between wanting to do more at home and having to be at work, however, she said it was “not a good driver” to act on feelings of guilt. 

Tucker said ‘mum guilt’ affected those who did not work too as all households were structured differently. 

Growing up, Tucker saw all the mums turn up at the school gates and spend time at home, doing multiple jobs without complaining. She said: “My perception of motherhood was so wrong, disfigured. Because when I became a mum, I had all these feelings and thought ‘no one’s ever showed me these feelings before so clearly I’m not doing something right here’.” 

Recently at Tucker’s son’s birthday party, she realised hosting was hard and asked her relatives why they never spoke about the difficulties of doing regular parental duties. 

She said it was as if there was the code not to complain, adding: “Why did you make that the code? Because now our generation is having to rewrite the book in what it means to be a woman in this world.” 

Tucker said showing the realities of parental struggles would make the next generation happier and more balanced, as they won’t be in constant battle with themselves. 

Dijkstra said showing those feelings could also invite more support.  

 

Listen to the podcast [29:52] featuring Sarah Tucker, founder of The Mortgage Mum and Esther Dijkstra, managing director, intermediaries at Lloyd Banking Group below.

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