For one, we assume it will be criticism – and it almost always is or secondly, we fear hearing out loud what deep down we worry are our worst flaws.
So, we avoid asking for feedback and we remain clueless about our impact.
Knowing what people think of us is critical to growth and development. This is especially true of leaders. As you progress higher there is diminishing feedback, either because people believe you are fully formed or because they lack the courage to tell you.
Women, Millennials and beyond operate differently – asking for feedback to learn and develop. Senior men trained in stoicism and being right, often found these requests irritating, believing “they should be beyond that now”.
The impact of a leader
When you get to the position of a leader, feedback is critical because, while what you get done is important, how you do it is critical to the success of any strategy.
Good leaders ask themselves two questions: What impact am I having currently? What impact do I need to have to get the results I want?
A concept known as 360 feedback can be a brilliant tool for giving practical insights into the effect of your behaviour or leadership style. However, if confidentiality is doubted people will hold back on the truth.
When I started out in my career, feedback was often handwritten and people would say, “do not let my boss see the writing, or I am dead!”. Turns out a lot of their comments were about aggressive communication.
My first experience of creative feedback was working with Polaroid at the start of my business career. The managing director was a powerful force. People were quite scared of him and would never challenge him. Then a woman at the lowest end of the pecking order, working on the camera assembly line, gave him an ornament. It was a raging bull, that she said reminded her of him. He laughed but kept it on his desk as a constant reminder of his impact.
A senior woman client had a session with her boss last week. She went in enthusiastic and full of ideas. He aggressively challenged her. She tried to console herself with, “it’s just his style”, but, by the end, she was contemplating a career move. She drew on her courage and told him how his style demotivated her and how she would prefer them to communicate. He was shocked, seemingly completely unaware of his impact.
It was just the way the senior executives had always talked. This had created a culture that felt quite toxic to the newcomers.
Working with constructive criticism
Feedback on your impact can be a wonderfully positive experience, when you discover what you are getting right, but no one told you.
There is also relief that even at its worst, the feedback is not as critical as you are about yourself.
Good coaching always starts by establishing the impact you have on the world before attempting to change anything.
So, be brave today and ask yourself, or better still ask someone else: What impact am I having? How could I improve?
