My husband was told that if the first thing that touches a newborn’s lips is honey from Mount Olympus, he or she will be destined for greatness. That is the gift/curse his actress and artist parents gave him. A sense that he would or should be great. How’s that for a fixed mindset?
Is anything ever good enough?
In my case, my west of Scotland parents, assumed my talents were God given and the only mantra was, ‘stick in’, meaning do your best to use those strengths. That turned out to be quite a growth mind set. Admittedly, I am very conscious of all those times I could have done better, stuck in more.
Every now and then I do also yearn for that greatness, but I’ve never been fond of honey.
Differing attitudes
I have worked with many senior, seemingly extraordinarily successful people but the picture is rarely black and white. Some are driven by ‘away from’ concepts.
One client talked of his fear of going back to the poverty of his youth. Logically, when challenged, he knew it was technically impossible, but he was afraid that if he lost that terror then he might descend into laziness and dissolution. So, success came at quite a cost.
For others, there is always another summit to climb before arriving. I coached the number 2 in a large insurance firm. He was a ‘failure’ because he had not become CEO. Forget all his status, money, houses etc. ‘It’s the shame I find hard to deal with’, he said.
Success used to be clearly delineated, especially in the almost totally male world. You climbed up at speed. ’If you hadn’t made partner within 12 years, you were a failure’, one CEO said of his experience with the Big 4. It involved working all hours, restricted time with loved ones, limited involvement in parenting or outside interests. Then, according to a DeLoitte partner I met in the lift at a bank, ‘you die 18 months after retiring’.
Small wonder that women have eschewed that image of success at all costs. One woman I was coaching said ‘I don’t want my boss’ job, he devotes his life to it, works all hours, emails at 4 a.m.’. I challenged her to think about how she would do it instead, from a perspective that would allow her to have professional success and the full life she desired. She transformed the role through building a strong team.
Many younger men have also rejected tradition, having seen their father’s sacrifice (even if they didn’t see their father that often). They want to be part of their own children’s lives, have hobbies, take part in sports, care for their health.
Aspirations change throughout life. Early on, it can be important to make your mark, pay off the student loan and eventually the mortgage. Later in life concepts such as finding the meaning of life, maintaining real relationships take on more importance.
We work with senior people on the concept of ‘Beyond Success’, moving on from a good career into the next proactive phase of activities that play to strengths, give meaning to life, never retiring.
Think about how you define success
So, when you consider your own success, here are a few things to consider:
- Optimism correlates with success in every profession, bar one, and no it isn’t actuary. So, it’s worth building that up.
- Make sure that you know your strengths and find ways to play to them every day. It is easy as you succeed to get further and further from the very things that drive you.
